A Wigwam for a Goose's Bridle

Not everything that feels good 

is balm for the soul and soothes 

the heart. Believe me, I’ve tried 

a number of options over the years, 

whether pleasure seeking or self harming 

to numb the pain and I’m convinced 

that they are one and the same category. 

When I seek escape 

in deliberate pain, there 

is a twisted pleasure, and when I seek 

pleasure for its own sake 

frequently I cause myself harm, 

and either option is egodystonic

when I know neither is my purpose. 

Is it any wonder my heart bleeds

when I both wrap it in barbed wire 

and then fight the prison I caused myself?

You are God, and I am not,

and I am ready to surrender.