A Wigwam for a Goose's Bridle

Algorithms are funny things. I drive 

to work, and trust my phone to choose 

the soundtrack.  There is a tired ache

within my eyes and my soul, the hangover

of last night’s tears. Three piano notes 

are all it takes. I know the song

even before the breathy vocalisations begin,

and I almost reach over to skip the track. I know

this path: for me it has guaranteed tears

on even the happiest of days, and yet

I feel compelled to hear this out,

perhaps for one last time. I will not make

the same mistakes, she sings, and I think

I won’t make all the same mistakes that you did,

but I will make some of them, I have

made some of them. I have broken and will break, 

maybe not the way you did, but in my own way.

For years I played it safe, trusting not

myself nor others, and yes, that was in large part

because of you, but I am not made

to be timid and isolated, I was not designed

to be a constant apology.  This immortal soul

was made in the image of Love Himself, 

and housed in a body of His design,

and I will be the first to admit

that His ways are beyond me,

and I so often do not comprehend them,

but I was made to be salt and light,

to have a taste and an illuminating radiance,

and I won’t always get it right, but I cannot

shine my brightest if I am constantly filtered. 

I cannot offer flavour if I am kept on a shelf.

I still lose my way, that much will likely never change,

but I am grateful for those who steer me back

with gentle hands, giving me permission to feel

all the emotions, permission to cry, and safe haven,

until I can once more give myself permission to shine.

(Do you remember

when I tried to teach you this? Are you up there now

with your star?)

This morning the lyrics are as they always are,

and I do not cry. This is no feat

of self control. It is simply 

that the lines no longer hit hard enough

to leave a mark, the sting is less,

and I no longer feel the need to use this outlet, 

because I’m trying something just a little bit different this time,

taking to heart the advice I once tried to offer you,

and I’m not holding myself back anymore.