A Wigwam for a Goose's Bridle

I was going to say

I owe you

an apology, but

that sounds as though it stems

from sense of duty,

obligation, when in fact

I want to apologise

to you. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I’ve worked so hard

on hating you

and trying to change you

that I’ve ignored your needs,

and minimised your strengths. 

I didn’t always know 

better. I was taught

that you weren’t good enough,

that you were too much.

I was led to believe

that you hold me back,

that you needed to be changed,

and that it was my duty

to change you

or die trying. I wish

I had known better.  I wish

I had known that they were wrong

that you are beautiful

that you are lovable

without needing to be changed.

I wish I’d been taught

to listen to you

to nourish you

not just to push through pain,

telling you to put up and shut up,

cursing you for getting in the way.

I wish I’d been taught love

not hate. I wish 

I’d been taught awe.

I wish I’d been taught how

to handle you gently,

to offer you my best. 

I’m sorry for the names I’ve called you.

I’m sorry for gaslighting you, 

for telling you 

you couldn’t possibly need

rest

food

love.

I’m sorry for the times I’ve hurt you

deliberately,

relishing in your discomfort,

as though I was teaching you

some sort of lesson.

I was wrong. 

I’m sorry that these beliefs,

these thoughts,

these feelings

run so deep

are so ingrained

that they are still my default. 

I want to say that I know better

now, and things are different,

but all I have is:

I am trying. 

Would you bear with me?

Can we heal this?

Can we just sit together 

and experiment with peace,

and if I offer you my gratitude, 

perhaps I can learn to love? 

I will listen more, but sometimes

you may still need to repeat yourself.

I will try to stop hiding from you,

to stop hiding you.

I will stop apologising for you

as though you are a mistake, 

an embarrassment,

some distant relative

I’m ashamed to be seen with.

I’m surprised you’re not ashamed

to be seen with me,

when I’ve treated you so badly. 

I will stand up for you,

I will fight for you,

when strangers or so-called friends

put you down, I will defend you.

I am sorry I sided with them

against you

before, but no more. 

Dear body, I am sorry.