A Wigwam for a Goose's Bridle

I’ve debated with myself whether or not to write this post. I don’t want to complain. In many ways, I write from a position of privilege. There are so many others so much worse off than me at the moment. So I start to think I shouldn’t feel the way I feel. I start to feel guilty. The truth is though, my experiences and feelings are valid. And I will bet all my money I’m not the only one in my current position. So I am going to write this. Partly to help me, to get it off my chest, and partly to help you, whoever you are who needs to hear that you’re not the only one.

I am a mother. Specifically, I have a 3 year old and a newborn. This year was never going to be a walk in the park. Newborns are beautiful: squishy, cuddly, that fresh baby smell. But they are hard work. I’m breastfeeding on demand. He will sleep, but only on me. Purple crying has started. So. Much. Poo. This time was always going to be tricky, with the hormonal changes and sleep deprivation, adjusting my life to a new normal.

And then there’s my toddler. He’s 3. He has tantrums. That’s normal. He’s dealing with changes in his routine, and he has to share our attention. If I’m honest, he’s taking this well, despite everything. He actually loves his brother, wants to cuddle him, wants to share toys with him. He just also wants Mummy to be at his beck and call, to read books, to play on the floor, to run around kicking a ball, any time he wants.

I’m struggling. At baseline I have postnatal depression. Now I am grieving the loss of the maternity leave I had planned, and the added stressors are not great for my mental health. My toddler is not going to daycare, so I have him all day every day. We can’t go to the playground. We can’t go to the shops. We can’t go to play centres. We can’t go on play dates. I’m an introvert, so I can live without necessarily needing to see my friends. But I’m not alone. I’m stuck with two little people who need and want me constantly. I’m touched out. I literally don’t get any time alone. Even when I’m in the shower, my toddler insists on being there. Even when I’m asleep, one of them is in my bed.

This is going to be a long and difficult year.