A Wigwam for a Goose's Bridle

Last year, I read Fr Michael Gaitley’s “33 Days to Merciful Love” for Lent, alongside listening to the Whole Hearted sermon podcasts (here)  from Fr Mike Schmitz at UMD.  At the time, it was great, probably one of the best Lenten seasons I’ve ever experienced in terms of feeling like I “did it well”, becoming more prayerful, exploring my faith.   I felt I got a lot out of it, but then… then life went on, and to be honest, I’ve kinda forgotten about it.  Not completely.  I’m more likely to pray “Jesus, I trust in You” than I used to be. I “notice” Divine Mercy more.  I still have my alarm set to go off at 3 pm daily to remind me of the Hour of Mercy, although that’s usually just a fleeting thought as I turn it off at work, and forget to go back to pray about it.

Where am I now?  Compared to 2 years ago when my friend first introduced me to Fr Mike’s sermons, I have improved.  I understand more about my faith. I pray more than I used to. I now read the Bible daily, pray the Rosary daily, listen to at least a couple of relevant podcasts a week. I’m not saying this to blow my own trumpet, I’m just acknowledging that by His grace, some things are changing for the better.  But me, I am still me.  I am still very me.  Still a sinner, albeit maybe more aware of it than I used to be.  Still have trust issues.  Still get distracted trying to pray.  And 2019 is not being kind to me on a number of levels – maybe that’s a post for another day.  Lent this year was a complete failure.  Struggled through the whole thing, didn’t keep my penance resolutions, felt dry in my prayer.  And then post-Easter, Fr Mike at least blessed me with a series on being free to fail.  And at the same time, my friend has said to me, let’s do the 33 days again, in time to renew the consecration on Pentecost Sunday.

The first thing that strikes me is how much of this book I have completely forgotten.  Some stuff I’m like “oh yeah, I remember reading that.”  Some stuff is completely new to me.  The second thing is that different bits of the messages are more relevant this time around than last time.

The third thing is a reminder of whatever incredible Grace lead me to pick St Therese of Lisieux as my Confirmation saint.  See I was pretty simple back then, I was obsessed with France, so it had to be a French saint.  Had to be female.  The 2 most popular options were Joan of Arc and Therese.  Joan was a serious contender – the whole goes to battle thing is an epic story that I love, but simple, shallow 10 year old me thought that Therese was a cooler name than Jeanne.  And yet in all of that imperfect decision making, the Holy Spirit was clearly at work.  Because the truth I now know is that I am a little soul like Therese.  And her little way is exactly what I’m going to need if I’m ever going to be a saint. Because I really am that human, that broken.

So now, I’m re-visiting this book and sermon series and it’s making so much sense.  It seems so simple it’s almost too good to be true.  I am broken. Jesus loves me in that brokenness.  And although I obviously have to try to be better, I don’t actually have to succeed. I just have to keep trusting.  And when I read these daily devotionals, I get excited, because it makes sense and I’m on track ( I think??).